


Cut Off

by emungere



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-03
Updated: 2006-12-03
Packaged: 2018-02-27 23:00:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2709848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emungere/pseuds/emungere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gojyo dreams of his mother. Hakkai helps him relive the experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cut Off

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to hibem for the beta :)

Gojyo absently tapped his cigarette into the empty beer can at his elbow and took a drink from the full one.

Hakkai's hand landed on his shoulder, fingers digging in just a little.

"Gojyo. How many times have I asked you not to do that?"

"Er. Lots?"

Hakkai leaned down and slipped his arms around Gojyo's neck, forearm cutting across his throat in something between an embrace and a chokehold.

"Precisely. And yet you still do it."

Gojyo turned his head to smirk at him. "Sorry, mom. I'll do better, I swear."

Hakkai touched his cheek lightly and brushed their lips together. "See that you do."

He pulled Hakkai around to sit in his lap. "Whatcha gonna do if I don't?"

"Hm. Turn you over my knee? That is the accepted method of punishment for a disobedient child, I believe."

The problem, Gojyo thought, was that he found almost anything Hakkai said sexy these days, regardless of content. It was the voice, had to be. And yeah, okay, the way Hakkai was shifting in his lap wasn't helping.

"Wouldn't know about what's accepted. Is that what the nuns did?"

"Oh, I was never disobedient," Hakkai said, smiling very slightly.

"Uh huh. Not while they were looking, maybe."

"Perhaps."

Hakkai kissed him again and pulled him over to the bed. Gojyo was happy to let the conversation go.

***

When Gojyo woke hours later, clawing his way out of nightmare and the bedcovers, he managed to elbow Hakkai in the ribs in his hurry to get away. Away in this case was only the edge of the bed. The chill of the floor on his bare feet shocked him back to reality, or at least out of the past. He laid his hands on his knees and waited for them to stop shaking.

Hakkai had to be awake after that, but he said nothing, didn't move or touch Gojyo at all. It was the treatment Gojyo had asked for in the past when this had happened, and it was what he wanted now, but it still left him feeling a little lost. Hakkai picked _now_ to listen to what he wanted and not, for example, when they'd seen that big screen TV on sale for half price?

He wished the room wasn't so completely pitch-fucking-black. It made it too easy to see things that weren't there.

"Go back to sleep," he told Hakkai, starting to get up. He'd make tea, and just the light over the stove shouldn't keep Hakkai awake--

Hakkai's hand closed around his wrist and pulled him back down. The strength of the grip suggested that broken bones were an alternative if he resisted. He didn't.

A match flared, and Hakkai lit the candle on their bedside table. Gojyo would have preferred the lamp. The wavering shadows were disconcerting, but much better than the dark. They might make the fridge look like a looming bear and send ghosts skittering across the linoleum, but there was nothing here that could look like--

"Your mother again?" Hakkai asked.

"You say again like it was last week." Gojyo coughed until his voice sounded more like it should, or at least less like he was on the edge of hysteria, which he totally wasn't. "It's been nine fucking months."

"You've been counting?"

"No! I just remember, is all."

"I see."

Maybe he had been counting, sort of. After years of listening to Hakkai and Sanzo's nightmares, his own felt just a little pathetic. He'd gotten the happy ending, after all, the one where the good guys lived to grow up and the wicked witch got what she deserved.

He'd thought they were over, after so many months, and he'd been glad. He was sick to death of his own traumas.

"If I could kick my subconscious's ass like it deserves, I wouldn't have to put up with this shit." That was good. He sounded normal again.

He didn't feel normal, but that would come. It would help if he could figure out _why_ \--why now, why tonight, why ever again after so long. But the why was always hard.

Hakkai's hand smoothed down his back, and he shrugged it off almost violently. He knew he was being an asshole. He just didn't know how to stop.

It was a _stupid_ dream from a life he barely remembered, and he'd collected so much better nightmare material in the years since. Covered in centipedes, attacked by demons and giant bug-things and the living dead, soaked in blood and gore and pelted with little unidentified wobbly bits of human and youkai anatomy, turned to stone. He'd fought monsters and gods and his own friends, and--and fuck, _he'd never loved her in the first place._

"But she was your mother," Hakkai said quietly, leaving Gojyo unsure whether this was Hakkai being creepily intuitive or whether he'd actually said that last part out loud.

"Doesn't matter," he said, knowing he was going around in circles now. "It still doesn't make sense. Just because--"

"Where," Hakkai said, "do you think her weapon would have struck you, if your brother had not intervened?"

Gojyo stopped with his mouth open. He breathed shallowly for a few seconds and watched the candlelight flicker on the floor. He turned to stare at Hakkai. Like a sucker punch to the gut, the question seemed to have knocked the wind out of him, and his ability to think as well.

"What?" he said, finally.

"You heard."

"I don't know!" Gojyo said. "How should I know?"

"You haven't thought about it?"

"Of course not!"

He tried not to lie to Hakkai these days. It was counterproductive, and Hakkai always knew anyway. This time, the denial was automatic, even though he could almost feel the cut--right shoulder by the joint, down across his chest, maybe all the way through if the axe had been sharp enough.

It'd been pretty sharp. He'd used it to cut wood afterwards when he'd thought he could manage to the stay the winter there alone.

"Really?" Hakkai asked. "All those years spent fighting with a weapon so similar to hers and you never once imagine what it might have done to your body?"

His head swam for a second, and when the world righted itself, he was clutching Hakkai's shoulder so tightly it had to hurt. "What are you talking about? My weapon's nothing like hers."

"No? Well, perhaps not on the surface." Hakkai spoke calmly, as if Gojyo's nails were not nearly puncturing his skin. "But the general form, discounting the chain, is not unlike a scythe or a sickle. It's concave, of course, where the cutting edge of the axe is convex, but they are both weapons made for chopping, for severing one thing from another--tree from stump, corn from stalk, life from death."

"Hakkai, I hate to tell you, but this is not the time for a lecture on farm tools through the ages," and fuck, his voice was rising again, that little edge of crazy creeping into it.

"Was that her weapon of choice, or was it simply handy?"

"I-- _Hakkai_ \--"

"Show me," Hakkai said.

This time, after a pause, Gojyo drew a slow line across his chest with his free hand.

"Mm," Hakkai said. "I'm not sure you're right about that. Get up."

" _What_?"

"Get up."

Hakkai pushed past him and stood, pulling him up as well and herding him over to the wall. His back hit it hard and his knees went out from under him. He slid down until his bare ass was on the cold floor and shivered.

"I don't have an axe handy," Hakkai was saying. "But I'm more familiar with knives in any case."

He returned to stand over Gojyo. The butcher's knife in his hand gleamed gold in the candlelight.

Gojyo found himself pressing back against the wall, muscles tensing like there was somewhere to run. He wrapped his arms around his chest and looked down.

"Hakkai, I don't know what you think you're doing, but--"

"Hush."

Hakkai brought the knife down in a sharp, double-handed swing that ended with the edge just touching Gojyo's right shoulder.

"See?" Gojyo heard himself say. "I was right. Right there, I was right."

"Yes," Hakkai said. "Now. But you were much smaller then."

He moved the blade upwards until it rested tenderly in the curve of Gojyo's neck.

"You see?" he said. "It was a blow judged to kill."

"So what? So she wanted me dead. Not news." But his nails were digging into his arms, and he was leaning into the touch of the blade at his throat.

Hakkai pulled the knife away. Gojyo wanted it back, and he didn't know why.

Standing over him, so close, Gojyo could smell Hakkai's scent overlaid with the tasks that made up their life together; floor polish, laundry soap, and smoke, sex and sweat, skin and blood.

Sometimes, when she was okay, his mom would smell like that. She'd come out of her room a few minutes after Jien, smiling, and hang out the laundry. Gojyo had watched her from behind the curtains, hating what she and Jien did, still wishing he could make her smile like that.

_Mom._ He wanted to say it out loud, as if it would change something, but his throat was too tight.

"I'm right here," Hakkai said.

Gojyo looked up, almost startled. Hakkai still held the knife and it seemed he was standing even closer than before, feet planted on either side of Gojyo's legs. His cock hung down almost level with Gojyo's face. It was not entirely flaccid.

Gojyo leaned forward and licked it.

Hakkai made a soft sound and sank his fingers into Gojyo's hair. His other hand gripped the knife still more tightly, bone pressing against skin to turn his knuckles white.

Little licks across the head lured Hakkai closer, until Gojyo could hook his hands behind his thighs and hold him there. He stood close enough that Gojyo only had to bend his head to rest it on his leg.

Hakkai's cock was heavy and warm against his cheek, half-hard, waiting. This had to be at least seventeen different kinds of wrong. Gojyo was trying to care.

Reflected light caught the knife as Hakkai raised it again to his throat and pressed the flat of the blade to his skin. The edge caught sharply under his jaw, scraping against stubble.

Gojyo could feel his pulse against it, squeezing under it where it dug into him. He gave up even trying to pretend this wasn't getting him hot.

He rubbed his cheek along Hakkai's hard length, teasing, and brought his hands up to cup Hakkai's ass.

"Do it," Hakkai said, and the knife bit in a fraction more.

Gojyo closed his eyes briefly, instantly hard and flushed from the surge of heat that sent through him. He'd thought about it exactly like this, even though he knew this wasn't how it had been for Jien.

Mom had never touched him without violence, and he just couldn't picture it, so it would go like this, with threats and pain, and in the end she'd smile at him--

He turned his head and took Hakkai's cock between his lips, tasting the head, lapping at it with his tongue until he heard Hakkai's soft growl and felt the hand in his hair tighten. He took it in, one hand holding at the base, lips inching up to meet his fingers.

Something warm and thick dripped down his neck and made him moan. He wondered what the odds were of Hakkai slicing into the artery under that knife when he came, and if he'd be able to heal it before it was fatal.

The thought made him shiver, and he dragged his nails over Hakkai's ass, his teeth down the length of his cock.

Hakkai said his name, low and rough, and let go of Gojyo's hair. There were three small chinks as three small pieces of metal hit the floor.

When Gojyo looked up, Hakkai's eyes were hidden by shaggy hair, and vines climbed across his naked skin. His hand came to rest again in Gojyo's hair, and Gojyo could feel the sharp prick of claws against his scalp.

"Oh, God," he breathed, and sucked in air so hard he felt dizzy. Hakkai smelled even more like her now, of green things and life and even more of blood.

He scrambled to his knees and got Hakkai's cock back in his mouth, deep, sucking hard with no thought of ever stopping again. He was peripherally aware of rubbing against Hakkai's leg, of Hakkai's soft growls of encouragement and the ever tightening grip in his hair.

It wasn't long before the hold was so tight he couldn't move his head at all, before Hakkai was slamming into his mouth with less care than he'd ever shown for Gojyo's comfort. Gojyo gasped for breath between rough thrusts, swallowing hard and trying not to choke as Hakkai hit the back of his throat every time.

He reached down desperately for his own cock, pumping it through his fist as the head skidded across Hakkai's skin. Right on the edge, he felt as if one more stroke, one deep breath would be enough, but he couldn't manage either. His hand was shaking, and Hakkai's cock stretched his mouth almost constantly now, the thrusts too fast to follow, Gojyo's swollen lips working to stay tight around the shaft.

Hakkai shoved in once more, and his whole body shivered as he came. Gojyo swallowed and swallowed and still ended up with come on his chin when Hakkai pulled out.

"Touch yourself," Hakkai said, bending lower over him. His voice was lower, harder, and he shifted the knife to his other hand as he spoke, though he kept the blade pressed right where it was.

Gojyo had let his hand fall away away from his cock without even noticing in the last few seconds, and he put it back now, taking deep, uneven breaths, helplessly aware of Hakkai's eyes on him.

He was almost too sensitive to bear the touch, but he was going to lose his mind if he didn't come soon. He kept going, working himself, face pressed against Hakkai's lower stomach. He opened his mouth, panting, and licked Hakkai's scar.

A second later, he felt Hakkai's claws settle in the grooves that cut across his own cheek. They dug in, pulled almost delicately upwards, and he could feel his skin part. That sharp heat-pain was the first sensation he'd felt there since the day they healed.

He let out a shuddery breath and came.

After that, there was a long period where he was aware only of his breath, his calming heartbeat, and Hakkai's gentling touch. Eyes closed and faintly dizzy, Gojyo let himself be maneuvered away from the wall so that Hakkai could slide in behind him and hold him like that. Hakkai's arms folded across his chest, and Hakkai's chest was warm against his back.

They were both quiet for a long time. Gojyo could hear the ticking of the wall clock that Hakkai wound up every morning and the sound of the wind through the trees outside.

He opened his eyes, and they wandered from bed to couch to curtains. Commonplace things seemed new and strange. Hakkai's knees and hands held a particular fascination. He rubbed over Hakkai's knuckles one by one and turned Hakkai's hand over to stare at the creases on his palm.

Hakkai's voice was quiet in his ear. "Did I go too far?"

Gojyo shook his head. He had a feeling there were words he should say here, but he couldn't find them. He tapped his fingertips against the point of the claw on Hakkai's index finger one by one.

After a time, he slept.

***

Memory came back before Gojyo even had his eyes open the next morning, but he still expected to be in bed, clean, all traces of last night wiped away. He wasn't. He could still feel the floor under his ass, which was now mostly numb, and Hakkai behind him. He opened his eyes.

"You awake?" he asked. His voice sounded rusty, as if it had gone unused for much longer than a few hours.

"Yes," Hakkai said.

A few feet away on the floor, Gojyo spotted Hakkai's limiters. They gleamed dull silver in the light filtering through the curtains. The knife lay beside them, red-brown at the edge.

He reached up and touch his throat. There was a scab under his jaw, thick and smooth. His neck itched, and dried blood flaked off when he rubbed at it.

"Looks like a nice day out," he said.

"Indeed."

He touched his face, his scars, and they felt like they had when they were new, tight and hot. He could feel his pulse in them.

His throat hurt, too. He hadn't known it could feel so raw. He hadn't given many blowjobs before Hakkai, and Hakkai was always so careful.

He shifted enough so that he could look over his shoulder. Hakkai was watching him warily and seemed unprepared when Gojyo leaned in and kissed him.

Gojyo smiled at him. "You need a haircut, y'know."

"Maybe this style is more...natural to me," Hakkai said. He was frowning very slightly.

"I like it both ways."

"Ah," Hakkai said. His expression eased. "Well, then." He touched Gojyo's wounded cheek lightly. "Shall I...?"

"Nah, leave it. It'll heal on its own."

"Most things do."

"Yeah. Uh." Gojyo leaned his face against Hakkai's palm. "Doesn't mean I don't appreciate your help."

Hakkai smiled at him, unrestrained and genuinely happy, so gorgeous it almost hurt to look at him. Gojyo smiled back, pretty sure he only managed to look a little goofy.

Hakkai kissed his forehead. "Well, we should at least clean it," he said briskly, nudging Gojyo forward and pushing him to his feet.

Gojyo's legs felt stiff and wobbly at the same time, unwilling to do the work of holding him up and even less willing to take him anywhere. He let himself lean on Hakkai a little as he was guided into the bathroom.

The excess blood washed away easily. The soap stung, but not all that much. Hakkai finished up with some kind of cream he'd made himself. It was pale green and cool, and smelled like lavender.

"There," Hakkai said. "Get cleaned up. I'll make breakfast."

When Gojyo got out of the shower, Hakkai was at the stove, tending something in a bubbling pot. Gojyo sat at the table and lit a cigarette, watching.

Hakkai was still naked except for an apron, and his limiters still lay on the floor. His claws had been trimmed to about half their length, and he seemed nimble enough with them. Gojyo would be dropping stuff all over the place, he was sure.

Hakkai brought tea and two steaming bowls to the table.

"Must you smoke during breakfast, Gojyo?"

Gojyo smirked and put the cigarette out in the empty beer can from last night.

Hakkai sighed and shook his head. "After breakfast, you can take out the trash," he said. "Including that."

But his eyes were warm, and he leaned close to brush his lips over the healing scars on Gojyo's cheek.


End file.
